Like a fish.

Swimming is hard. Especially when you have never had a lesson a day in your life. My parents believed in the "toss him in and let him figure it out" method. I hung onto the wall until I was 13 years old and taught myself how to swim. Lately though, I am on a bit of a health kick and part of that healthy lifestyle change means I am trying to take up swimming. I joined a local Recreational Center where there is a small gym (perfect for weight training), basketball court with indoor track (perfect for winter), classes like yoga and jazzercise (perfect for homos), and of course a pool with Olympic size lanes. Well, at least I think they are Olympic size. They seem rather large to me. I bought me a pair of nice goggles and a nose plug, which looks completely ridiculous on me, and I have been swimming twice. The first time I was completely comfortable as I had a lane to myself. I tried all sorts of different lap styles. The butterfly/frogger one, the going backwards type, the breast stroke (that's a real one right?), the go under water and just kick your feet while keeping your arms out straight, the swim as hard as you can and see how long it takes you to get to the end, 27 seconds btw. As you can tell, I have NO idea what I am doing. Last night when I went to swim the lanes were completely full. I debated leaving, but decided this might be a common occurrence at the pool and I needed to get over my fears if I want to become a person with a swimmers body, the ultimate goal. I sought out the kindest looking person, someone who would not yell at me, too much, if I happened to splash their face while flopping around next to them. It was a woman around my age with a nice smile.

I asked, "Mind if I share your lane?"

She responded sweetly, "Of course. No problem."

So far, so good.

When I entered the lane I said, "So, I'm not a swimmer, what is the etiquette for sharing a lane?"

"Well, you really just share sides if there are only two of us. I'll take the left if you want to swim right. If there are more than two then most people circle swim. There is plenty of room though for us."

"Great! Thanks." I replied.

I peeled the goggles over my noggin and onto my eyes, applied my ridiculous nose plug, and began my best attempt at looking like someone who can actually swim. When I got to the end of the pool my lane partner offered up a tip...

"You should try to focus on shoulder roll and keeping your body horizontal, not pulling with your arms or kicking with your legs. It will help with your resistance."

"Ok." I respond energetically. AND, even though I have no idea what she means, I take her advice as if I do, and on the next lap I try to focus on rolling my shoulders and not kicking my feet so much. This leads me to sinking directly to the bottom on the pool and then flopping heavily on the surface to get back into a stride. I pull myself together and attempt another lap.

More advice...

"It's more of a slapping technique. You cup your hands like reaching into a pickle jar, and then penetrate the water with your fingers angled down and fully extend your arm well beneath your head."

Fist off, a stranger said "penetrate" to me, which makes me giggle inside. But after listening to her advice I decide to try this pickle-slap method. More flailing ensued.

I am unrelenting, and give it another go. Even more advice.

"Try to keep yourself horizontal by keeping your head in line with your spine — you should be looking straight down."

This one seems doable. Keep your head down. Got it. I give it a whirl and end up swimming into the side of the wall.

"Watch out for that wall. It's tough when you are on the sides."

Look. I know this lady was probably a swim coach, or swam on a high school team. It was very kind of her to try to help me out. I'm sure by jumping in the pool and announcing, "I'm not a swimmer," I opened the flood gates for advice. However, this is a leisurely activity I am trying out. I wasn't prepared to take an official swim lesson. Even though I'm sure what she was saying would help my technique, without a proper hands on lesson I am completely lost. Thank God at that moment swim lessons began and they asked all adults to exit the pool. An energetic 5 year old jumped into our lane and began swimming the entire length at a rapid pace. As I was toweling off my swim partner nudged me and said, "See. Look how he slaps the water!"

I smiled, picked up my tee shirt, and walked away.

I saw an advertisement for adult swim lessons at the center. I may need to sign up for them if I am going to take this new goal seriously. I really want to continue swimming, but after last night's adventure I am beginning to wonder if people are watching me in the pool and thinking, "What is this dude doing? Why isn't he penetrating the water with his pickle-slap?"

Yes, yes...lessons may be beneficial.