Las Vegas...

This weekend is the Lady GaGa concert in Las Vegas. I am very excited to travel to Vegas for numerous reasons.

#1 It's been far too long since I have had a Vegas trip. The last time I was in Vegas ,I believe, was a stop on our way to our Mexican cruise.

#2 Leslie will be traveling with us to Vegas. Leslie moved to Pittsburgh a few months ago, so it will be fun to have her on this trip.

#3 We are staying at the Mandalay Bay Casino. I LOVE Mandalay Bay, but have never stayed there. I am thrilled to be staying in such a nice hotel.

#4 The Gypsy. This is one of my favorite places to visit in Vegas. A dive gay bar where craziness always ensues.

#5 The amazingly talented Lady GaGa who I know will not disappoint.

#6 Shopping. Vegas has some of the greatest shopping ever! Even just window shopping in Vegas keeps me content.

#7 A nice break before school begins. I start working full-time again on Monday. Vegas will be the perfect little re-energizer before I have to fully commit to the 3rd grade.

#8 Nora's. One of the finest Italian restaurants I have ever dined.

#9 Road Trip! I think the length of time it takes to get to Vegas is just right for a road trip.

#10 Getting the hell away from my old job and out of Utah! This is my last week of work at my "summer job" and I am thrilled to be saying "goodbye" by taking off two days and heading to LAS VEGAS! What a perfect way to end the summer!

Do You Believe in the Power of the Cookie?

Yesterday I lunched at a little Chinese diner that I frequent. At the end of the meal our standard fortune cookie was delivered with the bill. I cracked my cookie open and read… “An Unexpected Payment Is Waiting For You.” Later that day, when I got home and checked our mail, I found a check from my school that was completely unexpected. Coincidence?

Turns out the check is my food stipend for my trip to Seattle…but still…how crazy is that? I should have bought a lotto ticket right then and there!

Update

Apparently I do not have a faulty gallbladder. I spoke to my doctor and that does not seem to be the issue. SORT OF. My doctor said my gallbladder looked normal, but then proceeded to tell me I have something called "fatty liver disease." Usually this is caused two ways. #1 too much fat in your diet and #2 too much alcohol in your diet. Now, when I looked up fatty liver disease on the Internet I read that usually when the cause of this is pertaining to option #1 it means the person is Obese. I would say that I have a few pounds to lose, but I am no where close to being an Obese person. So...most likely #2 applies to me more. When we spoke my doctor told me to go easy on the fatty food and alcohol and we will follow up in 6 months and see if anything changes. I have noticed that when I don't drink, and I eat healthier and exercise that I do feel better. However, she said that the stomach pain I have been feeling for the last six months really shouldn't be attributed to this new finding, as fatty liver doesn't have any general symptoms, and most people don't know they even have it. So...now I have two options. Option 1...wait and see if it gets better. Option 2...go see a gastroenterologist. My dad has his gallbladder out a few months ago and nothing EVER showed up on his Ultrasound, so there is a slight chance it could still be gallbladder related. I think I'm going to try to live a healthier lifestyle and see if it gets any better. If not, it's off to the tummy doctor.

Ultra-Hell!

I had the extremely unpleasant experience of having an ultrasound taken this morning. My ribs are still throbbing. The reason for this ultrasound is that there is a slight possibility I have a bad Gallbladder, and the ultrasound was our test to find out. Gallbladder. Ugh. Bane of my existence. Even the word Gallbladder is ugly. But I digress.

Now, when I hear the word "ultrasound," I think of delicate pregnant women, with their massive bellies, having cool jelly squirted onto their tummies, and then receiving a gentle massage by a plastic camera. The procedure seems calm, and soothing in the movies, and at the end of it all you usually find out something wonderful that goes along with your participation in the miracle of life. It's joyous, exciting, and pleasant.

My ultrasound however hurt like a MOTHER! First off, the jelly they squirt on you is hot. I didn't know this, nor did I prepare for it. I'm not sure if the jelly is always served warm, or if this particular tube had been recently heated in the microwave for that days usage, but when it shot across my stomach the fear of being scalded to death caused a scream to leap from my lips. "Oh, is that too warm?" The technician inquired.

Next, they had me lie on my side to begin the ultrasound. The camera they use moves smoothly enough across the skin, but when the technician finds an area she needs to photograph she digs the camera into your body, then asks you to take a deep breath and hold it. When this is being done against a fleshly part of your stomach, it is mildly uncomfortable. When it is being done to your rib cage, it makes you want to die. The worst part of it IS the fact that the technician asks you to take a deep breath and hold it. Easy enough under normal circumstances, but when you are already in pain, you are sort of holding your breath as a result of the shallow breathing you are naturally doing. Having to inhale deeply and then focus on holding it, while your ribs are being separated by a camera, makes it a tad bit difficult. Also, when the technician forgets to tell you to start breathing again (which happened on several occasions) it is rather unbearable. In fact, at one point, after finally picking up on my discomfort level, the technician asked if I was doing OK.

"Is this supposed to hurt?" I winced.

"Yeah, when I'm by your ribs it will be a bit uncomfortable."

"Oh good, because I thought maybe I was dying. Do you press that hard on pregnant women?"

"Well, we don't really need to see their ribs, so they generally don't complain." The technician responded with a smirk on her face that led me to wonder if she thought I was being a baby about it.

Finally, the most agonizing part of the whole ordeal is the fact that ultrasound technicians can't tell you whether they found anything or not. My own technician had to call in an older, more experienced technician, who then talked about how difficult it was to see anything in my body, which leads me to believe they didn't find what they were searching for. Unfortunately I have no idea because they can't read me my results, my doctor has to. So...until I hear from my doctor I have no idea what is going on. The Gallbladder saga continues.

At least the ultra-hell is done with. My bruised ribs will eventually feel back to normal. I hope.

Look What I Can Do!

3 hours later and the new book case looks like this...

Yeah, I'm pretty handy. I did it all by myself!

1 1/2 hours after that and the book case looks like this...

Mad book shelf decorating skills right?

A day and a 1/2 later and the office looks like this...

AND THIS...

These are horrible pictures, especially this one, but at least you can the Robin's Egg Blue wall.

Home Office is coming along nicely.

Like a fish.

Swimming is hard. Especially when you have never had a lesson a day in your life. My parents believed in the "toss him in and let him figure it out" method. I hung onto the wall until I was 13 years old and taught myself how to swim. Lately though, I am on a bit of a health kick and part of that healthy lifestyle change means I am trying to take up swimming. I joined a local Recreational Center where there is a small gym (perfect for weight training), basketball court with indoor track (perfect for winter), classes like yoga and jazzercise (perfect for homos), and of course a pool with Olympic size lanes. Well, at least I think they are Olympic size. They seem rather large to me. I bought me a pair of nice goggles and a nose plug, which looks completely ridiculous on me, and I have been swimming twice. The first time I was completely comfortable as I had a lane to myself. I tried all sorts of different lap styles. The butterfly/frogger one, the going backwards type, the breast stroke (that's a real one right?), the go under water and just kick your feet while keeping your arms out straight, the swim as hard as you can and see how long it takes you to get to the end, 27 seconds btw. As you can tell, I have NO idea what I am doing. Last night when I went to swim the lanes were completely full. I debated leaving, but decided this might be a common occurrence at the pool and I needed to get over my fears if I want to become a person with a swimmers body, the ultimate goal. I sought out the kindest looking person, someone who would not yell at me, too much, if I happened to splash their face while flopping around next to them. It was a woman around my age with a nice smile.

I asked, "Mind if I share your lane?"

She responded sweetly, "Of course. No problem."

So far, so good.

When I entered the lane I said, "So, I'm not a swimmer, what is the etiquette for sharing a lane?"

"Well, you really just share sides if there are only two of us. I'll take the left if you want to swim right. If there are more than two then most people circle swim. There is plenty of room though for us."

"Great! Thanks." I replied.

I peeled the goggles over my noggin and onto my eyes, applied my ridiculous nose plug, and began my best attempt at looking like someone who can actually swim. When I got to the end of the pool my lane partner offered up a tip...

"You should try to focus on shoulder roll and keeping your body horizontal, not pulling with your arms or kicking with your legs. It will help with your resistance."

"Ok." I respond energetically. AND, even though I have no idea what she means, I take her advice as if I do, and on the next lap I try to focus on rolling my shoulders and not kicking my feet so much. This leads me to sinking directly to the bottom on the pool and then flopping heavily on the surface to get back into a stride. I pull myself together and attempt another lap.

More advice...

"It's more of a slapping technique. You cup your hands like reaching into a pickle jar, and then penetrate the water with your fingers angled down and fully extend your arm well beneath your head."

Fist off, a stranger said "penetrate" to me, which makes me giggle inside. But after listening to her advice I decide to try this pickle-slap method. More flailing ensued.

I am unrelenting, and give it another go. Even more advice.

"Try to keep yourself horizontal by keeping your head in line with your spine — you should be looking straight down."

This one seems doable. Keep your head down. Got it. I give it a whirl and end up swimming into the side of the wall.

"Watch out for that wall. It's tough when you are on the sides."

Look. I know this lady was probably a swim coach, or swam on a high school team. It was very kind of her to try to help me out. I'm sure by jumping in the pool and announcing, "I'm not a swimmer," I opened the flood gates for advice. However, this is a leisurely activity I am trying out. I wasn't prepared to take an official swim lesson. Even though I'm sure what she was saying would help my technique, without a proper hands on lesson I am completely lost. Thank God at that moment swim lessons began and they asked all adults to exit the pool. An energetic 5 year old jumped into our lane and began swimming the entire length at a rapid pace. As I was toweling off my swim partner nudged me and said, "See. Look how he slaps the water!"

I smiled, picked up my tee shirt, and walked away.

I saw an advertisement for adult swim lessons at the center. I may need to sign up for them if I am going to take this new goal seriously. I really want to continue swimming, but after last night's adventure I am beginning to wonder if people are watching me in the pool and thinking, "What is this dude doing? Why isn't he penetrating the water with his pickle-slap?"

Yes, yes...lessons may be beneficial.

Get It Together...

Current Goals:

1. Become a swimmer-I got the goggles and nose plug and I actually swam for 20 minutes today. Go me!

2. Save money-I can't spend any money on myself until my trip to Las Vegas in August.

3. Floss and brush-I do this already, don't think I'm disgusting. I just need to work on the proper technique so my dentist will stop yelling at me.

4. Branch out musically-Thanks to a "mellow" night in St. George I realized that I need some new stuff on my ipod. Anyone with fantastic artists/songs send them my way.

5. Meditate-I had decided a long time ago I was going to try to meditate for one week solid. At the time I never made it come to fruition. Perhaps it is time to give it another shot?

6. Read more-With the start of book club this goal is well on its way to getting accomplished.

7. Drink 64 ounces of water at least 5 days a week: I definitely don’t drink enough water on a regular basis, and given there are so many health benefits, this will help me get back on the healthy rehydration train.

8. Get out more-What's happening out there that is cool and different?

9. Stop caring what people think-I don't want to be so paranoid anymore. I feel like it causes lots of anxiety and unneeded worry. STOP ALREADY.

10. Attain more tranquility in my life-With the accomplishment of said goals above this one will happen.

Out of curiosity I was reading about ways to obtain personal goals and I came across an interesting article. It is a list of "The World's Most Popular Goals." Check it out here.

Goals or a "Bucket List?" I'm not really sure.

Serena: Portrait of a Serial Killer (a series of e-mails)

My dog is a serial killer. I've tried stopping her in the past, but a third victim was found this morning.

E-mail #1 From Me

-Serena killed another baby bird last night. That is the third baby bird she has killed. They keep building their nests in the trees above our “back yard” space and they fall out of the nests and can’t get out from inside the wall. She was playing with it last night, batting it back and forth and I made her stop. This morning when I watered the plants I found it’s dead little body.

E-mail #2 From Casey

-The bird was sick and injured. Serena was just putting it out of its misery. She was actually being very sweet.

E-mail #3 From Me

-Don’t stand up for her! She’s a serial killer! If you lie in a court of law you are an accessory to murder! I’m going to lose my husband and my daughter all at once! Oh lord! Who will take me in?

E-mail #4 From Casey

-Nobody because you’re a huge nerd!

E-mail #5 From Me

-If Serena kills anymore animals we are going to have to buy this sign for our yard…THAT MONSTER!















As I stated earlier this was the 3 victim in her murdering spree. The first time I caught her playing with a baby bird, she was pawing it with her huge monster paws, and treating it like a simple toy. I moved the bird up to the cement ledge in the hope of saving it's poor little life. Unfortunately it must have fallen back into our yard because I found it lifeless the next day. We had a dog psychic come and visit Serena (this was a funny birthday present for Casey) just a few weeks after this initial attack. The psychic, without knowing anything about this story told us, "Serena thinks it's funny you don't let her hunt. I see her playing with a small animal outside and you taking it away from her." Pretty crazy right? Yeah, this lady was good.

Even though it is a part of who Serena is, I still don't like that fact that she kills other animals. I guess no parent is thrilled to find out their child is a vicious killer. I will support her, but I won't allow her to play with baby birds and I will continue to put them up on the ledge.

Can We Talk...

I saw the Joan Rivers documentary (Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work) this weekend and let me just say that it was hilarious. I remember watching Joan Rivers growing up. Her talk show was one of my favorite things to do in the afternoon after school. Wait, was it on after school, or was during the day and I only got to see it in the summer? Either way, my grandmother and I watched it together whenever we could. Joan Rivers and The Young and the Restless (but that is a different story for another time).

Joan Rivers is described as an Icon, and I could not agree more. The woman is 75 years old and as I sat watching her travel the country and work 2-3 shows a day I was exhausted thinking about it. You put me on that type of work schedule (a 29 year old) and I would pass out on you. It was amazing to me to see the dedication to her craft. It is very disheartening to me that someone who works as hard as she does, is still considered a bit of a joke in the entertainment industry. I hope that this documentary will make people view her in a whole new light. Maybe critics should watch what she has to offer with their grandmothers. Perhaps they'd form a bond?

slooooooowwwwwwww summer.

Summer has been so slow. I have only done two simple summer things to date.

#1 Bonfire. Roasted hot dogs. Made smores. Had fun.
#2 Swimming. Indoors? Is that summer-y?

Our pool has yet to open. I have no idea why. We are in a HOA and pay over $3000 (as a building, not myself, oh I'd pissed) to run a pool for 3 months. It is now July and NO pool. Sad.

I do have some fun summer plans coming, a trip to St. George, Lady GaGa in August, a few parties. It just feels like it has taken forever to get here. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am working at my old job this summer. Becoming a teacher was the WORST decision of all time when it comes to comparing these two jobs. I was perfectly content being miserable before I saw the light of teaching. Now that I have been educated on the job that I truly love doing, being back to my old position makes me want to scratch my eyes out. Honestly. It is the worst hell I can imagine. The money's good though.

I just need more pool time, fireworks, some Lagoon or State Fair or other type of environment that displays people with too much confidence rocking mullets and tank tops that expose nipples, before I really feel like summer has begun.

Thank goodness this weekend is the Arts Festival. Perhaps I will catch a glimpse of the Summertime I am in need of there?

Bring it.

The greatest thing I've ever heard (recently)...

"Going to church makes you a Christian, about as much as going to a garage makes you a car." -Dan Savage's Mom

Loss

Recently I've been thinking about nature of loss, and how we all want to deny to ourselves that it will ever happen to us. We want to believe that every love is our last love, that our dog will outlive us, that our job will continue to be a perfect fit forever, that our health will continue until we drop dead, which we won't ever do anyway, and that our friends will never move away or betray us or simply grow more distant over the years. Why is it that everything good in life has to come to an end? If you enjoy something, you don't want to see it end, but ultimately it does. A good book, an entertaining film, holidays, vacations, emotions, relationships. It is depressing to look at life as an endless series of loss. I believe this is why people live their lives with a sense of optimism. If not, can you imagine how hard it would be to get through a single day? I have never been a depressive type of person. But thinking about this sense of overwhelming loss in life, I can see why people would get stuck in that dark place. I'm reminded of a quote I read once. "A goodbye isn't painful, unless you are never going to say hello again." This is the perfect reason to live on optimistic life. Sure we suffer loss in life, but think of all the experiences we say hello to? Yes the vacation may come to an end, but there will be new places to explore. Yes we will lose friends along the way, but think of the possibilities of meeting new people who will inspire and change our life. Yes we will lose loved ones, but the human heart and soul are capable of recovering and feeling again. Love and loss go hand in hand, and no matter how much we avoid it, it is a part of the human experience. It makes us who we are, the good and the bad. Loss is the price we pay to experience happiness. Perhaps it is a fair trade?

What's new Seattle?

My school is sending me to Seattle in August for a two day conference on our reading and math programs. Fortunately, I will arrive a day early and will be able to do some sight seeing. Now, I've been to Seattle once, it was about 7 years ago, and I saw the needle, I hit up a few popular bars/clubs, and I walked around the city. It was also a two day trip, so not a lot of time was spent. I'm wondering what I should do this time around? What has changed in the last 7 years? What are "must sees" or "dos" in Seattle? Suggestions please?

Schools Out For Summer...

"No more pencils, no more books, no more student's dirty looks!"

This saying could not have been more true than on my last day of school. I do not know what it was (over stimulation perhaps) but my last day of school was horrific! Here I have spent four months working at changing the behavior and attitudes of my third graders, and on the last day they go and get recess taken away from them. Here's how it happened....

The last day for me was really a "fly by the seat of my pants" situation. We were doing school awards at 10:00, and classroom awards after that. I was told that if parents came to the awards ceremony they were allowed to take their child home right after. The students who stayed usually helped clean up and organize the room with you, it's called busy work, and it is much needed when children are restless. Well, that morning I had a student ask me,

"Mr. C are we going to make yearbooks that we can all sign?"

To me, this was the single greatest idea to EVER come out of a third grader's mouth on the last day of school! I LOVED IT and told the class to start working on their yearbooks. A simple fold of two pieces of paper, two staples, some markers, and voila! A yearbook they could have each student sign. FANTASTIC! I made myself a little year book, sat at the back table, and proceeded to sign each of my remaining student's books. It was great. They loved making them, and loved signing them, and it kept them completely quiet and working busily.

Well, later that afternoon, after our awards, I had one student who was signed out by his mother. However, he was still at the school watching his siblings "graduation" ceremonies. When I ran into his mother in the hallway later that day, she proceeded to hand me her son's yearbook and say,

"Would you open to page two and read please?"

I opened the yearbook and read in giant purple letters..."U SUCK!-Student's Name" (yes, this kid was dumb enough to have signed his hateful message) Needless to say, this parent was very upset. I reassured her that I would solve the problem and that we could make her son a new yearbook if needed.

After I got back to the classroom, pulled the student into the hallway, began having my serious discussion about being remembered as the "mean kid who wrote nasty messages in yearbooks" I discovered that this particular student was not the only child in my classroom writing "U SUCK" in their classmates books. Oh no, there were about 8 of these children running around, spreading their message of "suckiness." Not only did we have to edit (tear out pages) and have children rewrite positive messages, but my student's also had recess privileges taken away. Who loses recess on the last day of school? WHO? They hadn't done anything in four months severe enough to revoke recess, and ended up having it taken away the last day.

It came as no shock to me that on my last day I only received one hug from a student. It was not the greatest way to spend our last day together, but hopefully they learned from the experience.

So yes...my first "sort of year" is over with finally. Although it was a rough start, and bumpy along the way, I do feel like it went well. I have convinced myself that having a class from the start of the year will make all the difference in the world. Hopefully that is true. I had a great bunch of kids this year. It was just a lot of work to take over, and have them get used to my way of doing things. I learned so much from the experience, and I feel like I have really grown as a teacher. I hope that I don't "suck."

Bursts of laughter...and other noises.

Why is it that I can't reprimand a student for farting loudly in class and disturbing everyone, without bursting into laughter myself. I know it is very disrespectful, and usually quit stinky, and that they shouldn't get away with it. Yet, every time it happens I can't help but laugh when I am trying to be serious.

The little stinkers.

Classic-al!

The other day I thought it would be fun to introduce my class to Classical Music. We were working independently on some math assignment when I pulled up a little ditty by the wonderful Beethoven. I asked if anyone in the class could tell me who was playing over the speakers. Only one student raised his hand. When I called on him he responded, "It's Beethoven."

"Good job! How did you know that?" I replied.

"My mom makes me listen to this crap at home."

"Oh, ok."

Even though there were giggles and a few moans when I first put on the music, by the end of the song my students were intrigued, and a few of them even asked for more.

The next day, another male student of mine came in and said, "Mr. Christensen, my uncle played me some of that 80's music last night that you like."

"What music?"

"You know, the music you played for us in class yesterday. The old stuff from the 80's."

"Yeahhhhh...you are about 400 years off."

KIDS!

Funny things that happen at school...

So the last time I wrote on my blog I was interviewing for a third grade teaching position. Since then, I got the job, I took over a classroom for a teacher who had to move, and I have been teaching for the last month and a half. I have decided that since my day is full of randomness, and crazy children, that I need to start using this blog to write down the funny stories, or comments I experience in my class. I'll still talk about life, but I really want to share the joy of teaching...which is freak children who crack me up!

Today we were talking about our vocabulary words. One of the words we were reviewing was the word "tough." To give an example I said..."Look at Leo, he thinks he's a tough guy." Leo then proceeded to show off his muscles...kiss each bicep on his tiny little arms...and make grunting noises like a professional wrestler. I then burst into uncontrollable laughter and called him a "little nerd" between wiping away the tears.

What does a job interview really say about you?

I don't understand how asking someone a bunch of simple, standard questions (that the person already assumes they are going to ask, so they prep for them) allows an HR person to get to know the real you. I think it is interesting that by law you aren't allowed to ask the questions that would really help to show the true character of a person.

For example:

"Do you beat your wife and kids?"
"Are you or have you ever been an alcoholic?"
"Do you currently have a drug addiction you are trying to get over?"
"Have you ever worked as a prostitute?"
"Do any of the following apply to you: Kleptomaniac, Pyromaniac, Nymphomaniac?"

Don't you think a person who had to answer these question would be showing a lot more of their true nature than someone who tells you what their "greatest strengths" are?

Yet, we can't ask these personal types of questions because it is against the law and could be taken as offensive. However, you could still hire the crazy guy who does beat his wife and kids because he prepared ahead for the questions about how he uses "time management" and what "three words others would use to describe him." It is fascinating to me that we can't be more specific in job interviews. I have met some true crazies that HR has hired, and if they had been allowed to ask some of the above they would have saved themselves a lot of time and money.

BTW...this crazy person could just as easily be a woman who beats her husband and kids, but for my example I went with a man.

Brilliant!

You know what I love?

Cardigans and TOMs shoes.

You know what is brilliant?

A wine decanter. It makes wine taste amazing!

You know what looks super dapper and makes you feel like an intelligent man?

Tying your own bow tie. None of this pre-tied nonsense.

You know what is super cozy and the perfect thing to wrap yourself in after a long day of work?

A blanket handmade by one of your best friends. It is my very own so Casey and I do not have to fight over the California Raisin blanket his next door neighbor made for him when he was six.

You know what makes me laugh so hard I can't hold back the tears?

Leslie. And the fact that she bought me a set of women's nightshirts from the DI.

You know what is thoughtful?

Friends who give gift cards so that you can buy whatever you want. AND...friends who listen to what you want and pick out something great. Also...friends who don't ask you what you want, but find you a gift you love.

You know what I got this year for my birthday?

All of the above.